by Melissa Willets posted in Pregnancy

The last time I was pregnant, I didn't get to have a big belly. Instead, I lost my baby right before my tummy got big and uncomfortable. Right before it became cumbersome and heavy. As I sleepwalked through life in the following weeks and months, I'd look at other pregnant women with big pregnant bellies and feel strangling envy. I couldn't believe I wouldn't get to the point where I waddled, and struggled to sit down, and get up. Where my belly restricted my ability to bend down to pick things up, and kept me from seeing my feet.
By some miracle, I'm pregnant again, and I finally have that big belly I dreamed about through my all-consuming grief. So why can't I embrace it" Why do I feel huge and gross, and guilty that I'm not 100 percent grateful for the size of my bump"
After my loss, I swore if I was lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'd love every second of it, especially the part when I got all big and breathless. But now that my life consists of stretchy pants, and having to sit down every couple of hours, I find myself missing the non-pregnant me.
I'll wake up in the morning and think, "Still huge." Sigh. I often wish everyday tasks like making beds, and giving my preschooler a bath didn't leave me with back pain. I count in my head how many weeks of pregnancy I have left, and worry that my big belly will keep growing to the point that I'll be wider than I am tall. I've been pretty down on how...