How to support a new mom with her loss without making it all about you
by Tara Shafer posted in Pregnancy
As a veteran bereaved mom, it is my greatest honor to help new-to-loss parents learn to cope. As a brilliant friend of mine once advised do not hoard the light you are given. Her gorgeous take on the light in darkness is worth remembering because part of the crushing nature of loss is the vanishing of joy, and the need to remember it.
It's hard to remember to meet people where they are, but there is no correct response to loss. Many bereaved parents are aware that there is some risk in reaching out to the newly bereaved because no two experiences are alike.
Some worry that they will inadvertently make the loss of another too much their own. That they will themselves overshare their own story. It is good to be aware of this. When I'm urged to talk to people about loss, I am honored and cautious in equal measure. Honored because there is something a little bit holy in being entrusted with vulnerability; cautious because I'm mindful of not making her loss about my loss.
If you are a bereaved mother and you are called to solidarity with another here is a brief compilation of the lessons I've learned -- as well as of the mistakes I've made.
Remember to listen. Listen hard to what she is saying. I am not as good a listener as I could be but I do keep trying to improve. When she talks begin by listening.
Be respectful. Let her craft her own narrative. Part of the reason I sometimes (well, often) avoid bereavement groups is that I have trouble...
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