by Tara Shafer posted in Parenting

Here is the secret I guard: I take joy in your pregnancy. I follow along with you through the days, the weeks, the trimesters. I scan your social media feeds for updates. It is not stalking but it's tipping towards this kind of behavior.
But I never ask you about your pregnancy. I never ask about your cravings (although I listen and know what they are), I never ask how you are feeling. I avoid being around when people are exclaiming, congratulating, or remarking on your beauty.
It?s not because I don?t care. I care so very much. I love what is happening in you and I want only the very best -- urgently and always.
It?s only that as a woman who lost a baby late in pregnancy, I feel like a jinx. In not engaging you, I feel I am protecting you. I know that sounds crazy. It sounds self-referential to the nth degree. I understand perfectly that your pregnancy is not about me. I am ashamed of myself for thinking in these irrational terms. But there they are, nevertheless, laid bare. Because if there is even the slightest chance of some cosmic touch I will protect you by not letting you too near.
I am only telling you this because I know I?m not the only one. I know other bereaved parents who behave similarly and I worry that our apparent indifference to your pregnancy could be misinterpreted. We are not indifferent. We are not jealous. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I am deeply invested in the pregnancies of my friends. But when I lost my son I ...