It's hard to admit, but I was scared of my baby
by Becky Vieira posted in Parenting
There are things about motherhood, especially new motherhood, that no one tells you. Or maybe it was just me"
I was scared of my baby.Â
For many reasons: That something would happen to him. Of the pain I was feeling. When he cried. Needed to nurse. Every breath he took filled me with fear. How did I know that it wouldn?t be his last"
The constant breastfeeding launched me into a tailspin. I?d check the clock in anticipation. Dread washed over me. I needed to know how many minutes I had until he was ready to nurse again. I felt like I was awaiting my executioner.
He was like one of those baby birds you see on National Geographic. Back arched, bright red, mouth open and screeching. Awaiting a worm. Once food is dropped into the bird's mouth everything is calm. But only for a moment. And the cycle begins again. It was like that. My baby was the bird, and my breast was the worm. Or so it felt.
We struggled to get into a hold. His little mouth would be open in a wail before it would clamp down on my nipple. My raw nipple. It felt like it?d been worn down with sandpaper. Shoved into a pencil sharpener. Sprinkled with acid.Â
I had a heavy letdown. The milk would course through my ducts like fire in my veins. It sent shooting daggers down my arms. I?d gasp in pain.Â
Eventually the pain would cease. And he?d eat. And eat. 30, 40 minutes. An hour. And less than 90 minutes later he?d be hungry again. Don?t get me started on the clust...
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