by Tara Shafer posted in Parenting

One person I wish I could visit with again is me before my son was stillborn. For reasons I don't completely understand, this twelfth year out from his death and birth felt harder to me, anniversary-wise, than any of the others.
The weather is similar to that year. I spend a lot of time in front of fires and outside there is ice and snow that catches the light and beats it back until my eyes hurt. Fire and ice. It doesn't get much more elemental than that.
This question came up when I was putting my daughter to bed. She asked me who I missed the most. It was a sweet question, seemingly out of nowhere. I answered as best I could and, presently, she fell asleep. (She does that -- just drops off).
I watched her sleep and looked at the gentle rise of her cheek. I miss many people. The Beatles would say that some are dead and some are living. And because I'm not going to share this post on my personal feeds I will say that I miss almost every single person I knew at the time of my loss. We have faded from one another for a myriad of reasons and I'm not looking to lay blame.
But there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to introduce my old self to my new friends. Certain things remain the same about me then and now. Still, much is different. I worry more, but I appreciate more too.
I remember the things I did the day before my son was stillborn. I walked around a cold and rural town with my 2-year old and we got pizza. Holiday ...