by Melissa Willets posted in Pregnancy

After my IVF frozen embryo transfer, it would be nine looooong days before I learned my pregnancy test results. During that week, I went from the highest highs, fantasizing about being pregnant, to literally, lying on the shower floor, sobbing.
That's where my husband found me one evening. He sat there, patiently, and watched his wife come undone. Again. It wasn't the first time I'd sought solace here, letting the warm water create a helmet around my head, to block out all sound and sensation from the outside world. We'd recently lost a pregnancy, and now, I felt convinced it was going to happen all over, before it had begun.
I took this short video of myself a few days before finding out my pregnancy test results. When I look at it today, I see a tired, scared woman who is barely clinging to the hope she could maybe, possibly get good news. My doctor warned me this would be the hardest part of my journey, but I wasn't prepared for how true that was. Not only are you battling your own mind, swinging wildly from one extreme to another, but you're analyzing every, little thing going on with your body. During that week, I spent far too much time Googling "IVF pregnancy symptoms." But the truth is, I never felt pregnant, or not pregnant. Maybe my boobs hurt. Maybe they didn't. I wasn't sure. Anything I felt could also have been caused by the oral and injectable hormones I was still taking every night, in case I was pregna...