by Melissa Willets posted in Pregnancy

Today is my due date. But instead of sitting at home, big, pregnant, happy, and waiting, I'm mourning the loss of my baby. She won't be coming home the way I envisioned, on, or near this date. And it breaks my heart in a million ways, every moment.
I knew my due date would be an awful day. What mom deserves to face this day, with no baby on the horizon, or in her arms" It's cruel, and hurts in places in my heart I never knew existed. These small and remote places ache with emptiness and throb with pangs of "what if""
What if this hadn't happened" What if she was here"
And of course, today is all about "why""
Why did this happen to us" Why did this happen to her" Followed by "how."
How will I survive this" How can I move forward from here"
Answers are hard to come by today. The heaviness of her absence feels like a thick fog I maneuver through, unwillingly. My mind is busy imagining an alternate universe in which she is healthy, and here. And I'm tired, but grateful, and so in love.
The one thing loss can't take from me is that love, however. I love my baby so much, it overwhelms the grief. And I get that; nothing and no one can touch that love, or take it away from me.
So on my due date, that love is what I hold onto.

And I try to tell myself that today is just another day I have to face. Like all the other days since we said goodbye to the dream of bringing ...