by Becky Vieira posted in Parenting

Each day of parenthood brings me new smiles, tears, and struggles. Along with doubt, guilt, confidence, and a slew of other emotions. On repeat.
Right now I'm attempting to surmount my latest obstacle, which is simultaneously the best and worst part of my day. Before you tell me to relax and not worry so much, trust me that I already know. Sometimes we can't help ourselves, especially with our first child. Our heads and hearts run two separate paths.
So I worry. Fret. And kick myself, all while knowing better.
When he plays by himself...
I love it. I like to watch him and see how his mind works. What and how he plays. When he reads his books out loud. Sometimes I stand back and just take it all in. Or snap a few pictures. Then there are days when I need this time. To use the bathroom, check emails or just sit and do nothing ? and not be touched. 
When he plays by himself... 
I hate it. I feel guilty. Like he's bored. Is he lonely" I should be entertaining him, teaching him. I beat myself up for welcoming the break, for needing it. And my heart hurts momentarily as I see our future, him not needing me as much.
I've been waiting for this stage. Now that it's actually here I feel bittersweet. The newborn days were all consuming. I lost myself, was plagued with postpartum depression. I yearned for a time when he?d be a bit older, ready and able to be more active.
It's here now, that time that I willed to hurry up and arrive. And I'm...