by Becky Vieira posted in Life

Dear Husband-
I see you. Then and now. You might not think I did.
I try to imagine what you endured. The pain, fear. While the primary focus was on me, my health and recovery, I know you were suffering also. Silently. Never saying a word of complaint. 
I recognize all you did to get me where I am today. To get us here. 
We thought we?d just be tired. That exhaustion would be the biggest of our problems once our son was born. Neither of us expected that I?d be gripped ? no, controlled ? by my postpartum depression. It was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives, not the living nightmare it soon became.

It started slowly, do you remember" We thought I was tired. That my hormones were adjusting yet again. But before we knew it I was underwater. The progression from healthy to dangerous transpired within days once that beast took hold of me. How did you do it" We had a newborn. No idea what to do with him. You carried that aspirator in your back pocket at all times ?just in case.? And while we watched him sleep for fear something would happen if one of us closed our eyes, I began losing my fight. 
Yet you continued on.
I started to slip away. I wanted to leave, convinced you both would be better off without me. You held me when I needed it. Let me run into the street to scream, then greeted me at the door with a warm blanket and tea when I returned. Researched treatment. Medications. Called my doctor and hid my car keys when t...