by Kelly Wilbanks posted in Mom Stories

I have vivid memories of giving birth to Cabbage Patch dolls. My sister and I would add child after child to our growing families going through hours of pregnancies, minutes of grunting and fake pushing before we'd hold our preemies close and become "mommies."
Perhaps being the daughter of a doctor set me up to have more graphic reenactments, but soon we'd have a room filled with "children" we'd birthed into this world. We were proud and contented with each one of them.

That was then, when my babies stayed in one place, did whatever I wanted and didn't make messy diapers. But now, as I anticipate adding a third baby to our family, I'm scared. I've managed to keep two babies alive to their first birthday (and beyond), so those aren't the fears I contend with now. What I fear is losing myself. Maybe that sounds selfish to you. I think it might have sounded selfish to me before I had my first and maybe even my second. But, I'm not talking about keeping up with the lifestyle of Gwyneth Paltrow here. I'm afraid of losing time to nurture the essential parts of my soul that motherhood has distilled and brought to the surface over the last four years. For me those parts include writing, processing my thoughts (despite interruptions), and dialoguing with friends about real stuff. All that takes time I barely have now.

So, I picture holding my next baby close. And I yearn for those baby snuggles-- the downy head, t...