If you aren’t familiar with the name James Breakwell, then maybe you recognize his Twitter handle, @XplodingUnicorn. The comedy writer and father of four daughters (all under the age of eight!) is internet-famous for his hilarious parenting-focused Twitter feed.
Breakwell’s new book, Bare Minimum Parenting: The Ultimate Guide to Not Quite Ruining Your Child, is as funny as you’d expect. Here are our favourite gems.
On preparing for parenthood: “Bare minimum parents know that no matter how prepared you think you are for a kid, you?ll never be fully ready. No amount of emotional, intellectual, or financial groundwork will ever make it easy to scrub poop off the wall. And, no, college parties won?t train you in advance. You can?t let your kid sleep it off on the cold bathroom floor, no matter how much they deserve it.” On your kid’s likability: “You?ll never truly know how much other people like your kid, but chances are it?s less than you think. That?s fine. Just make sure your child isn?t so bad that people express their displeasure by forming an angry mob. If your kid?s only exercise is running from torches and pitchforks, you?ve failed as a parent.”
On making parenting mistakes: “Kids have survived questionable parenting for millennia, and our species is no worse for it. Young children can bounce back from anything because they won?t remember it. They evolved this amnesia as much for your benefit as for theirs. ...