After one twin was stillborn, I couldn’t bond with my surviving son
?Do you want kisses kisses"? I asked the almost 3-month-old baby, holding him at arm?s length.
I was always holding him at arm?s length. I was terrified?I realized later?of letting myself get attached to him.
I delivered my son, M, when I was a little over 32 weeks pregnant. His identical twin brother, N, had passed away five days before without warning. None of the doctors knew what caused N?s death.
Up to the day I found out N had passed away, the boys had been growing perfectly. Though I had gestational diabetes, rising blood pressure, and had been hospitalized for preterm labor the week before, the near weekly ultrasounds showed the babies were perfect. I had no way to prepare myself for the loss. All of a sudden, I heard the worst news any expecting mom could hear: N was gone and M was in serious danger of complications related to his brother?s death. When my boys were born five days later, I never got to cradle M to my chest and marvel at his ten perfect fingers and toes. I didn?t get to have a moment to take him in and bask in his perfect newness. I didn’t have the exuberant joy I felt when I first held my daughter and stared at her little face that I already somehow knew.
A team of NICU doctors whisked him out of the operating room before I was even stitched up.
While my body was pleasantly numb from the spinal block, the drugs did nothing to dull the emotion of the day. People arrived to be with me, but I was disoriented from the drugs and the whole orde...
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