Illustration: Gillian Wilson
I was scared of being left alone with my newborn twins?terrified, in fact. But in the first few weeks, it was easy to postpone the inevitable?I had a lot of backup. Immediately after they were born, they went straight to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). They were tiny?Chloe was five pounds and Claire was four?and they had difficulty latching, so I needed help to breastfeed. My girls had two weeks of care under the watchful eyes of the NICU nurses and then four weeks with my in-laws in town. There was always an extra set of arms to hold or swaddle or change a diaper.
So the first time I was truly alone with my daughters, they were already six weeks old. That meant I had a lot of time to worry about what it would be like. I was petrified. Photo: Jennifer Chen
My husband had gone back to work, our family had left and it was just me and my babies. Claire was swaddled in the Pack ?n Play while Chloe was snug in the Rock ?n Play in our dining area. Both of them were sleeping peacefully, but I broke out into a cold sweat.
I tiptoed around the house, desperate not to wake them. I grabbed two breastfeeding pillows and two burpcloths and placed the pillows side by side at the foot of my bed. I warmed Chloe?s pink bottle and Claire?s blue bottle full of formula in the bottle warmer, then carefully poured my pumped breastmilk into each bottle. I set up the bottles on my nightstand. ?I got this,? I whispered to myself. And for a few minutes, I actual...