Going back to work after mat leave made me feel like a failure as a mom
For a few months now my son, Rafa, has reacted to me leaving for work in one of two ways. He either happily accepts a kiss on the nose, gives one in return and waves ?Bah!??or crumples into a crying fit at the front door of our home. There is no in between. Because he?s not yet speaking in sentences, it?s not always possible to discern the deeper cause of his reaction. Is he teething" Overtired" Did I not pay enough attention to his cornflake counting demonstrations during breakfast time" There isn?t always a reason for his morning greeting.
Not too long ago, questions like these would saturate my day. Rafa was born on the first day of 2017, I?d ended my maternity leave with him at the very end of December, and I?d returned to a job in public broadcasting on the first working day of 2018. In part because of this, and because I have a stubborn habit of understanding concepts such as growth and progress as neat little units that click into place rather than ongoing projects, this seemed like fortuitous timing. I clung to the idea of a year and assigned it all sorts of meanings and responsibilities. A year to figure out how to get my child to sleep through the night, to eat well, to be comfortable in the company of other caregivers so he’d be fine while I wasn’t around. A year to learn how to handle work, school and family responsibilities on the same 24-hour clock. A year to perfect the job of parenting, as if parenting was ever anything other than ...
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