When my first son was born, I cried every day, several times a day, for weeks. He was a much-wanted baby who had come into this world beautifully, naturally and on his due date, but somehow, as much as I loved the creature in front of me, motherhood just didn?t feel right.
In his earliest days, I ached badly from delivery. I knew that childbirth would be painful, but I was under the illusion that the pain would end when the baby arrived. But the fast delivery of my nine-pound, nine-ounce boy caused vaginal tearing that left me unable to stand, sit or even lie down without suffering. I felt frustrated that I wasn?t able to move and focus on my boy. When my stitches became infected, I took the prescribed antibiotics but stubbornly refused pain medication, worried that it wouldn?t be safe to breastfeed (which isn?t the case).
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10 ways to prevent and treat sore nipplesIn those very early days, I also struggled with breastfeeding. My milk came in quickly and with abundance, and my son nursed around the clock. Still, I was engorged, and he was lethargic and dropping weight quickly.
When my baby was five days old, he was admitted to a children?s hospital with severe jaundice. Throughout his stay, I wept: for the mother I wanted to be but wasn?t, for h...