Three-year-old Liv wanted cookies, and when her mother, Chris, explained they were for after dinner, she exploded. Chris patiently explained to Liv that she would enjoy the treat soon, but needed to wait a little longer. She promised to hurry dinner along. Liv calmed down and skipped off to play, willing to practice a little self-control on the cookie front.
A few minutes later, Liv’s older sister, Sam (age 5), began wailing after an argument over toys. Chris immediately frowned and looked frustrated. Rather than comfort her daughter or use the moment to teach her about sharing or negotiating, she turned her back and let Sam stomp away screaming. “She?s really difficult,” said Chris, with exasperation. When asked why Sam gets under her skin more than her sister does, Chris shrugged and said, ?She’s just hard to deal with. She?s stubborn.? I?m a family counsellor, and I offer in-home emotional support, assessment and coaching for families facing significant struggles. After watching this scenario play out in Chris?s kitchen, I passed on my observations. ?Liv just acted out in the same way, and you were so supportive,? I said. ?The same was not true for Sam. I think you see yourself in her.?
This observation shocked Chris. ?I was nothing like Sam; as a kid! I was always worried about making everyone happy, and I never lost my temper.? With a little more probing, we figured out that the discrepancy in her reactions to these two kids came down to their...