My instincts during my unplanned home birth were a total surprise
After years of unexplained infertility, four miscarriages, and one healthy, beautiful baby boy, my daughter revealed herself as a follicle growing inside my right ovary: Black and white, ?a big juicy egg,? the ultrasound tech pointed, beaming.Â
I wanted to mirror her hope but I felt totally defeated in this moment. The purpose of this appointment was to ensure that my uterus was clear from my latest miscarriage. The baby whose heartbeat I?d seen just 10 weeks ago would not be joining our family.
The big juicy egg pushed the corners of my mouth up ever so slightly but the terror of it all happening again cast a dark cloud over my heart?s deepest desires. I felt a bit greedy wanting to complete our family with a second child but this was the vision that I held for our family. I was scheduled for intake at yet another fertility clinic in six weeks?I?d previously done four rounds of IVF using 11 embryos but none of those resulted in a pregnancy. And although I?d gotten pregnant spontaneously before my problem was staying pregnant. If I took this chance and it failed I would have to wait even longer before I could try to get pregnant again. Deep into 40, I didn?t trust my body to create a viable pregnancy on its own.  But my doctor hyped the follicle too. ?Just because you miscarried last time, doesn?t mean you will again,? she said. It was late July, the same month, two years ago, that I?d somehow spontaneously gotten pregnant with our son after three failed rounds of IVF. ...
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