?Oh, I did that project too,? my daughter Remy said dismissively to her younger sister, who was hard at work at the kitchen table. ?But mine was much bigger.? Marlowe didn?t respond, but her shoulders slumped and her head bowed a little. I knew that she was proud of the work she had done (she had been excitedly explaining the project, assigned by the same teacher Remy had a couple of years earlier, to me just a few minutes before), but one comment from her big sister was all that it took to sap her enthusiasm.
My heart ached. This scenario plays out all too often between my two girls. I could tell Marlowe was holding back tears, so I immediately explained to Remy that the project was intended to be smaller and that Marlowe was doing a fantastic job?but she just shrugged and flounced away. It was another interaction gone awry. At 10, Remy is a classic first-born: overachieving, confident, boisterous. Eight-year-old Marlowe is just as good in school, has her own interests and talents, and excels at things Remy does not. And yet ? she consistently downplays her accomplishments and shies away from praise. As the girls have gotten older and their personalities have grown more pronounced, it?s become clear that my younger daughter sometimes gets lost in her big sister?s shadow, so much so that she often cedes the spotlight to Remy even when it?s rightfully hers.
This lopsided dynamic of theirs stresses me out. I worry that after being put in her place so many times by her dominan...