At a recent family get-together, after my mom, a notorious kvetcher, had spent a half-hour complaining about my dad not listening to her, about the internet going out and, unbelievably, that there were too many blueberries in the crumble I?d brought for dessert?too many!?my five-year-old son turned to her and said, ?Nana, you get what you get and you don?t get upset.? It was a line Jack?s kindergarten teacher had used on him and his classmates many times, and his deployment of it, with unerring timing, cracked us all up. (Well, everyone but Nana.)
But thinking about it later, I wondered: Was the sentiment really that helpful" And what was it actually teaching" Sure, in a kindergarten class of 30-odd needy, loud kids of various temperaments and skill sets, it?s a great way to manage expectations and short-circuit excessive grumbling. But it also discourages children from expressing negative emotions. And denying negative emotions?whether you?re effectively telling them to ?buck up,? as in this situation, or appeasing them to the point where any expression of anger, sadness or frustration is quickly extinguished?can be extremely detrimental to a child?s development. Gwyneth Penman sees this all the time. Penman has taught kindergarten and music for 25 years, has two grown kids of her own and teaches at E.P.I.C. School, an independent Toronto institution that specializes in early childhood education (ages three to six). In her view, contemporary parents are overzealo...