When Linda James was pregnant with her first baby, a boy who is now four, her mother-in-law, who lives in the United States, seemed benevolent and excited. By the time she and her husband arrived in Toronto to meet the newborn?the baby who made her a grandmother?she had morphed into a judgy, argumentative interrogator who seemed determined to second-guess every parenting decision James and her husband made.
?There was so much drama over the warmth of the bottle, and they kept insisting the baby needed not just formula but tea to stay hydrated,? James recalls. On another visit they added an extra blanket to the baby?s crib even though James had warned them it was hazardous and asked them not to. They made comments about where the baby slept and bickered with her about whether he should be on his back or tummy. The judgments about James?s parenting decisions continued even when her mother-in-law (MIL) was back at home, where she?d issue her advice via phone and Skype. James realized that if she was going to preserve her in-laws? relationship with their grandchild, some boundaries had to be created.
While the arrival of a new baby is usually a cause for celebration, many families are caught off guard by just how different the dynamics can be after the arrival of a tiny human. ?Everybody is trying to figure out new roles and expectations. It can be a real minefield,? says Andrea Ramsay Speers, a psychotherapist at the Oakville Family Institute in Oakville, Ont. Mothers-in-law, ...