Before entering the mall, I slip on a holiday-themed mask. I?d meant to grab my black one, but I left it on the counter next to the baby formula, so my face has been transformed into Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Like almost everybody, I haven?t been properly shopping in nearly two years, but the instant I walk through the revolving doors, I?m wrapped in the warm embrace of Christmas-season consumerism, and even the dorky face-covering can?t bring me down.
I refocus on the task at hand?I need new jeans, and I need them bad. The pandemic wasn?t kind to anyone, and after tossing a second pregnancy and maternity leave into the mix, my go-to skinny jeans just don?t fit?or fasten?like they used to. Admittedly, I haven?t done a ton of research into recent trends and noticed a few puzzling things on the way here. Was that girl un-ironically rocking a mullet" Have we fully regressed to Y2K footwear" Does athleisure now include flannel pyjamas" Some wacky styles have clearly taken hold, but denim can?t have changed that much…right" The moment I enter the first store, I realize something is amiss. There?s an entire section of jeans called “Wedgie.” Definitely weird, but that’s okay?I?m in my mid-thirties, and this is simply not my section. There are plenty of other sections. I?m good. I keep moving.
The next section I walk through is called “Mom.? This is confusing. I actively try not to look like a mom (although, admittedly, it?s ...