Photo: Erik Putz, Pennants: Mandy Milks
The first of many fights between Julia* and her mother-in-law started over how (and whether) to burp the baby. Julia?s mother-in-law had come to stay three weeks after the birth of her son, the family?s first grandchild. ?I asked her to give him a good burp after a feed, and she looked at me and said, ?I am not going to hit my grandson.? She told me I was hitting my baby!?
When you?re pregnant with your first, grandparents are usually part of the daydream. You imagine they?ll bring frozen meals over when the baby is born, and they?ll happily babysit when you and your partner are ready to sneak out for a date. Everyone will pitch in, harmoniously. After all, it takes a village, right"
But like most everything in parenting, the reality is more complicated. Grandparents and parents often don?t agree on what?s best, and you might not know how far apart your viewpoints are until you?re in the thick of it. Power struggles, undermining and fights are common. It?s a tricky position: Perhaps you depend on the grandparents for child-care help, but you also can?t micromanage the way they do things. It?s especially hard to ignore offhand comments or judgments when you?re sleep-deprived or feeling insecure in your choices as a new mom or dad, figuring things out for the first time. Of course, there are plenty of grateful young parents with positive stories about their wonderful relationship with their own parents or in-laws. But others repor...