by Tara Shafer posted in Parenting

This time of year is tricky for bereaved parents. Ringing in the New Year feels like an unimaginable effort. If there is one thing I wish I had been better able to understand at the time of my December loss, it is that comforts offered should be received in the spirit in which they are offered. People always mean well.
To be fair, a large part of me did know this. But not all of me. I had moments of extreme weakness I will share here.
I remember my best self in those dark days. This is when I remember how much it meant to me ? how healing it was ? to sit and write thank you letters for each condolence card I received. Notes for every act of kindness. There was therapy in this simple act of acknowledging the acknowledgment ? a drilling down on unimaginable, nightmarish reality. I liked the act of letter writing. But there were also times when I was not my best self. There is an impulse that bereaved parents sometimes have to lash out. It is unconscious. It is not personal. Nevertheless, it is worth some honest self-reflection.
People will struggle to find words when a baby dies. They will not always (or even often) say the right thing. That elusive right thing eludes us all. This is because there is no right thing to say. The awkward and bungled attempts made signal a touching wish to connect. Ergo, they are, in and of themselves, acts of courage and kindness.
I remember being at a party ? a disco for children ? that took place one weeken...